Parenting is the most rewarding job you have. But it isn’t easy. Add in a special need, and the challenges, fears, and joys you have as a parent may feel magnified. From the first moment you suspect there’s an issue to the diagnosis and beyond, navigating your child’s needs can add stress to your already hectic life, bring on feelings of isolation, and make you anxious or angry.
Even though these negative feelings are uncomfortable at best, the joys you’ll experience as a parent make everything you do worth it. And, you don’t have to navigate your child’s diagnosis or the next steps alone.
The Grieving Process
Grieving a diagnosis is a normal part of what many parents experience. While every parent handles this trying time differently, the five stages – denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – model is a common process to go through.
In this model, denial is the first reaction many parents feel. You may not want to believe the diagnosis is true, avoid comments or feedback teachers and other developmental professionals provide, or continue searching for answers outside the initial diagnosis. Along with denial, some parents also experience a sense of isolation. You may feel out of touch with your friends or family – or those nearest and dearest to you may not be there for you in a meaningful way. This can add to the strain and stress, making you even more likely to deny the diagnosis.
Moving On to Anger
Anger is a normal human emotion. This response doesn’t feel good, but it’s something that every parent goes through. You may feel angry at the diagnosis itself, the person who diagnosed your child, yourself, the friends and family who haven’t been there for you, or even your child.
While anger is common, it shouldn’t overwhelm you. Even though finding help for your child is a priority after a diagnosis, you also need to take care of yourself. Whether you’re still feeling a sense of isolation or anger interferes with your daily life, talking to a trained professional can help you to work through these stages and the powerful emotions that come with them.
Bargaining and Depression
Fear of the unknown can make the future seem scary. This is often when bargaining appears. In this stage, parents may pray to the higher power they believe in as a way to “exchange” their child’s diagnosis. Remember, no one is at fault and a diagnosis isn't a reflection on you as a parent. Offering to give up something in exchange for your child’s diagnosis disappearing isn’t a realistic option. And, it doesn’t need to be. The diagnosis is not the end – it’s the beginning.
This stage can leave you feeling sad or alone. Parents may experience a sense of helplessness surrounding the diagnosis. You may feel like there’s nothing you can do or that everything and anything you do won’t give your child the help they need. The often overwhelming sense of helplessness can lead to depression and eventually back to anger. This makes it crucial to find the help you and your child need. Therapists can provide strategies that can help your child to meet goals. Likewise, qualified professionals can help you to move forward too.
Getting to Acceptance
As you reach the acceptance stage, some fears, anger, and sadness may gradually fade away or become more manageable. This doesn’t mean you will find every day a complete joy. But, you may notice that you have a better outlook or feel more positive about your child’s future. You may have a better grasp on what you need to do to support your child, and what you can expect.
Moving Forward
It’s important to note that every parent won’t go through every stage – and some may not go through any of them. Some parents may also move back and forth or skip stages. These stages of grief are not always a straight line. Parenting a child with special needs comes with daily challenges, but it can also bring daily joy. These may be seemingly small milestones, such as your child’s intentional eye contact, or they may be major educational or developmental accomplishments.
Whether your child is newly diagnosed or you’ve been the parent of a child with a special need for years, you aren’t on this journey alone. The educators, doctors, and therapists in your family’s life are here to help. You can also find assistance and camaraderie through parent support groups. These groups allow you to connect with other caregivers and share your experiences. If you’re unsure where to start or how to find help, talk to your child’s providers about resources that could meet your needs.
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